How Forever Alone Came Together
The date was January 30th, 2021… I had this gut feeling to release a short e-book that revolves around one theme for the one-year anniversary of Hert. I had practically less than a week to write it in order to make sure it was edited and released by February 10th. I had no idea what I wanted to write about but I wanted it to be a mini-bridge between Hert and Paint. What I felt intuitively was to go towards a “sad boy” vibe. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep going with the red/black wordplay title style that I have used for both my books so far.
The state of dating during the pandemic had practically disappeared and most people were too afraid to meet in person due to (media) fear. I started thinking about how depression rates were increasing and communication had gone from face-to-face interactions in our daily lives to everything becoming digital. People were scared to even get within six feet of each other. Intimacy for many decreased to practically zero. Another factor I had in mind was how autism has rapidly been more and more common within society. Masks removed facial expressions from strangers. The effects of masks are drastically hurting those that are autistic as well as children due to a lack of social interaction and facial cues.
In 2015, I had a sociology class in college where our final project for my group was on suicide. I can still recall the studies I did which have brought me sadness to this day. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 35 and 44. In China, the repercussions of their one-child policy have had unforeseeable negative repercussions on male loneliness, mass suicide pacts (including Japan), and the creation of paying for non-sexual intimacy such as cuddling, holding hands in public, or even just dining with a woman.
This led me to think about the “forever alone” community that mostly revolves around the Reddit-sphere and how they’re constantly feeling lost and lacking (emotional) intimacy. Forever alone has been used as a kind of punchline after the experience of failure, rejection, or isolation in romantic relationships.
In 2010, the forever alone meme rose and was used to express humorously that one is destined to never find love, happiness, or romance. That they were meant to be single forever and there’s nothing that they can do about it since it’s written for them. Many of the loneliest people in the world have taken the term with a satirical and self-deprecating air of defeatism and used it to create a community to ironically, feel less alone.
The first recorded use of the phrase was in 1876 in a poem by Margaret Lawrence Pray, “Then and Now,” which I used as the epigraph for the introduction of the E-Book.
“My life one echoless monotone, Alone, alone—forever alone.”
— Margaret Lawrence Pray, 1876
Now, I had something to go off of for a storyline. I developed a rough outline of what I wanted it to be except in the original draft of the story the boy actually got the girl in the beginning, they fell in love, and he lost himself in the relationship. Eventually, she leaves him for another man because of him being too suffocating as he had nothing else going for him.
However, I realized that based on some of the actual Reddit forums I read, many of them had never even had a relationship, touched someone romantically, or even kissed another person. So, I pivoted to a more true-to-life story that entails the life of many people in the world.
Forever Alone Storyline
Boy sees girl.
Boy fantasizes about girl.
Boy falls in love with (the idea of the) girl.
Boy gets rejected by girl.
Girl ignores him, he’s sad.
Boy loses himself in vices.
Boy loses the friends he had.
Girl he loves finds another man.
Boy loses all hope with women.
Boy loses his mind into anger and depression.
Boy wants to commit suicide.
Boy finds new life and hope.
Boy builds himself back up.
Boy finds self-respect within himself.
Boy becomes a man.
There are many invisible souls that suffer this type of anguish that can’t be overlooked. My goal for the e-book was to tap into their psyche and help them feel less alone through my writing. As we grow, we’re fed this Disney fairy tale of love that many hopeless romantics attach themselves to. This unhealthy attachment to an idea that is idealized leads many young men into not only depression but suicide once they are zeroed out.
Hope is a hell of a drug in this hell of a life.
I used the line above for the ending of my author’s note in order to set the tone that hope can be more deadly than the proposed viewpoint of salvation. Aside from the reference to Kanye West’s “Hell Of A Life” on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, many individuals are living in a hell on earth and they’re overdosing on the drug of hope.
There are countless elements of desperation beyond belief. These are the same individuals that we probably pass by on a daily basis unaware of their internal war. They could be our family, friends, or coworkers that choose to fight a silent battle. As I read through many of the touching stories of loneliness on the forums, I couldn’t help but put myself in their shoes. To live with this depression that consumes every aspect of your life and the feeling that everything is helpless.
As I began writing the story, I could see a lot of myself, as I touched on my own depression and suicidal thoughts. The hardship of being rejected by the “girl of your dreams” after you fell in love with the idea of her. The tendency to fall into vices such as alcohol or food as ways to make yourself feel better. The self-isolation, disregard for (mental) health, and social interaction. The desire to end it all as an end-all solution to all your problems.
All of this leads to an abysmal sense of self and confidence where any love given brings disgust.
In the poem, Nine:
Can’t you see?
I may deserve love…
But no one deserves the punishment of being with me.
When you don’t love any aspect of yourself, you begin to see anyone loving you as a form of punishment for themselves. We look at their genuine care as a form of pity that we choose to reject aggressively.
In the poem, Eleven:
They love to say, “Misery loves company.”
But little do they know...
That’s the only thing that’s ever kept me company.
The dark reality of misery is that being alone is all they know, it’s the only thing that they’ve ever had to keep them company as they’ve never actually had company.
Those are two of the most heart-wrenching lines in the entire e-book of forever alone that were inspired by some of the comments I read and that brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to respectfully touch on aspects that they go through with a light at the end of the tunnel and a sense of (eventual) betterment. Although many within the community have a morbid outlook on their futures, I didn’t want to necessarily feed into that notion. I believe everyone has a chance to improve their situation regardless of where they’re starting. Again, the irony is that that comes off as hope which the community looks down on as a selling tactic because they’re so enveloped in their depression.
I understand their perspective, the last thing you want when you’re drowning is someone telling you that “you’ll be okay” rather than helping you with what you really need, a lifesaver.
The mental toll of writing this book was extreme. Not only did I have to immerse myself into the role of someone who is “forever alone” but I indulged in alcohol to bring myself to a dark place. I locked myself in my room for a whole week, fasting for most of it, and just writing the entire book. It’s a dark reality to live in and to put myself in their emotional state weighed heavy on my psyche. It took various days to “come out of it,” which made me appreciate life more and empathize with these individuals that have this on a day-to-day basis.
The cover (designed by my brother) came to me from the Yin and Yang symbol. I thought to myself, what if I just had the Yang, which is the white (masculine) side, alone portraying the emptiness of that lifestyle. As if it is missing its other half. The Yin, black (feminine) side would consume the entirety of the cover as he’s living amongst the darkness within the feminine matrix. All of it adds to the idea of binary (1 and 0) which is a crucial element of Hert. At the same time, if the feminine consumes too much of the balance it causes chaos. The Yang needs the Yin in order to create the perfect (neutral) balance of order and chaos. Otherwise, if either side is too far gone it creates social chaos that ends up going off the spectrum to a hateful and sad reality.
Here I am,
Outwitting the devil that’s present in my subconscious,
That forces you to remain aimless,
Having you chase what is pointless,
That leaves no benefit in your long-term life,
I’ve never wanted to live long term,
So, I never cared...— Excerpt from poem Twelve of Forever Alone
One of the most prominent references is Napoleon Hill’s book, “Outwitting the Devil,” in poem Twelve which changes the tone of the story from then on. It is a book that gives you the keys to conquering fear, achieving self-discipline, and helping you understand why life is the way life is. It explains the complexities of the human mind with the battle of the negative energy called “the devil” and teaches you the necessary steps to overcome all negative energy in your life. It’s a book that can help you know what needs to be done to achieve anything you want in life. It helps you understand the rules and values that will get you anywhere you want with the power of your own will. One of the key points is to discover your definitive purpose in life that keeps you from endlessly floating throughout life without aim. When you’re directionless, you are susceptible to the influence of the devil on things that aren’t beneficial.
These are just some elements that went through my mind as I wrote my e-book, forever alone, that I released for free.
I hope this has helped you better understand the elements that go behind everything and my development of the story.
All I wanted is that this story made those who read it to be a bit more sympathetic and aware of this invisible community that is often overlooked until it’s too late. I’ve lost various friends to suicide and you honestly never know what they’re going through. Those that actually feel like this, I want you to know that there are people like me that try to tap into your reality not only to empathize but understand you better with aspirations to help.
Regardless, no motivational speech or inspirational book, will be as powerful as when you become sick of your own shit.
Once you have reached that rock bottom…
There is nothing else but to launch off of it.
The cruel, cruel reality which not many realize is that the world isn’t just nor does it care about your feelings. Human existence entails suffering in order to strengthen and not everyone that is worthy of love is able to find love. It’s up to you to figure it out and matter, even if it’s only to yourself. Love is a delicacy and often a luxury, but you don’t need it from others to feel whole. Life hands you a set of genetics that it believes is best suited for you to prosper, you either create the reality that you desire or accept your fate of loneliness.
Life isn’t what you were taught or thought it was… no one’s coming to save you. However, once you have nothing, you can do anything.
Born alone, we die alone… enjoy the forever alone with others as much as you can.
Thank you.
Love,
Erik De La Cruz.
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